This year marked the 50th anniversary of the film The Godfather and fifty-three years since the book was published. The book and three consequent movies have become part of American culture, and to this day, all generations relate to some of this story’s most memorable passages. The Godfather offers many angles of analysis. It is a story about family, crime, mobsters, money, societal power struggles, and business. Perhaps its most attractive aspect is the portrayal of humanity at its essence, which is that no human is completely good or bad. Depending on our motivations, our actions can fall into both categories and somewhere in between. Likewise, for the spectator, mafia, drug lords, gangs, guerrilla warriors, or dictators can be considered heroes. The lawbreaker, who causes suffering to some, provides a sense of justice to those who feel excluded from prosperity.

If you have read the book or watched the two first movies, you know that Don Vito Corleone did not start as a criminal. He believed in honest work and overcoming obstacles to provide for his family and attain the American Dream. Life circumstances changed his perspective and pushed the boundaries of what was acceptable. His first murder was that of an extortionist who was threatening him. With this act, he became aware of his power as he gained the respect and fear of those who were also victimized by this character. Thus, the evolution of Vito’s identity from a good guy to a criminal is filled with charisma, good intentions, cleverness, and a compass for his “line of business” that distinguishes him from the other mafia lords in the story. He is recognized by his peers as a man of respect. His extreme measures are questionable, but his core philosophy can teach us a thing or two about business and career. Here are the ones that I have found to be more relevant.

Make friends, not business. Vito Corleone’s approach to gaining power was, “Lend me a hand today, and you will have a friend in me. Later, I can return the favor,” and vice versa. When thinking about business, remember that no matter the product or the service you are providing, people are always the focus of the offer and demand. Our modern ways of marketing are only a complement to the most essential tool of all, personal relationships. People do business with people, not with systems. Gaining others’ trust by connecting with them personally has no substitute. Therefore, as you think about growing your business or career, remember the importance of establishing relationships that will speak for your character and values.

Make an offer that can’t be refused. Many business books speak about the importance of having a unique proposition. Although Don Corleone’s proposition was connected to intimidation and threat, there is validity in the idea that the uniqueness of what you offer will differentiate you from your competition. Many individuals do what you do, but what is the aspect that makes you different? What do you offer to make someone choose your business or an employee select your services? It is worth dedicating time to think about what is the offer that your client will not be able to refuse.

Don’t take it personally. It is just business. Although Don Corleone’s story is filled with violent revenge, there are many references to the importance of not taking attacks personally throughout the book. His message to his offspring and associates is that letting anger rule their decisions will only cause tragedy and the downfall of their business. We often let our feelings influence how we think about our jobs and deals. Although feeling affected personally by decisions and situations is natural, try to avoid taking things personally. Often, decisions that might affect you in the work environment have to do with a series of events that have nothing to do with you. Managing your feelings will make you more effective at advocating for yourself and contemplating other perspectives.

Finding your ideal job might require overcoming many self-limiting beliefs. For example, I recently experienced a bit of insecurity when someone well intentionally commented that with my background and experience, I could be doing so much more. Luckily, I have been through many years of exploration, and I know that there is nothing more gratifying for me than coaching and helping individuals find the success they desire. Nevertheless, in my younger years, I often experienced a pesky recurring thought telling me I was not reaching my goals fast enough. Even when I attained what I had set out to do, I ignored and dismissed my accomplishments, which led to constant dissatisfaction. Does this sound familiar? I bet it does. It is not unusual for many people to feel like they are falling short in their dreams. Plenty of professionals struggle with external opinions and self-imposed pressures that make it difficult to enjoy the journey or know when they have reached the destination they initially set out to achieve. It takes a lot of introspection and overcoming self-doubt to feel a sense of accomplishment because we live in a culture that constantly pushes us to look for the next fix.

“Doing so much more” for some people means obtaining a fancy title, receiving a significant financial reward, getting accolades amongst their peers, or simply someone saying “I am proud of you.” None of these recognitions are intrinsically wrong; we all need better salaries and titles that reflect our professional growth. Nevertheless, it is a problem to purely rely on external reassurance because your sense of value depends on circumstances that might not be under your control. In a different mindset, “doing so much more” can mean finding reward and satisfaction in your work just by doing it. The challenge appears when you doubt yourself because doing what you love comes easy to you. Even if getting to where you are has required some sacrifices, doing what you love feels natural because you have a unique talent. Sometimes finding that might require opening your mind and heart to possibilities you have not contemplated before.

Answering the following questions could help you figure out if you are on the right path:

• What is your real motivation to do what you do? Check-in with your ego; is your head telling you to get somewhere or is your heart leading you towards what you love?
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• Are you trying to meet others’ expectations, or are you trying to share your talents with the world?
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• Are your expectations replicating or rebelling against patterns you learned throughout your life, or are you consciously doing your own thing just because it makes you happy?
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• Are you trying to prove your worth to someone, or do you already know your value?
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• When you think about why you go to work, what is it that drives you; is it an external or internal feeling?

Growing up, most of us imagine what our lives will look like in the future. Some of us want to have exactly the types of lives we saw in our immediate environments, and others the opposite. For some, success means a predictable orderly life, and for others, adventure and detachment from societal norms. There is a wide range of options in between because all of us possess different talents and aptitudes. To me, “doing so much more” means finding that thing you love so much that it inspires you and makes you feel good inside. Once you find it, let go of the outer and inner beliefs that hold you back, enjoy every moment, and celebrate your victories. 

By now, it is probably fair to say that the world has changed radically and that nothing will go back to the way it used to be before the pandemic. This is not a fatalistic view, but an indisputable fact demonstrated, for example, by the job market. The Great Resignation has forced employers to adapt their operations and get by with a significantly reduced workforce. Individuals who lost or quit their jobs are finding it challenging to get noticed amongst other qualified candidates. Even those who maintained their roles through the last two years are burnt out and perhaps also asking themselves if they need to make a different choice. No matter where we are in this domain, we are all adapting. As we adapt, we must invest time and improve our practices to get to a better place.  There is basic work that companies and individuals cannot afford to skip because the cost of carrying dysfunctionality, talent turnover, and unproductivity is too great. The most important foundation and pillar to building trust and cohesiveness is effective communication.

Workplaces could have used some improvement in communication before the pandemic.  However, now that virtual work is here to stay, communicating successfully is even more critical.  The pace of work has changed, and the time people have gained with less commute and distractions is wasted due to an overload of virtual meetings and slow decision-making. Moreover, what could have been accomplished by a short talk in the office, might take five to six emails to resolve if you’re lucky. We create fertile ground for unproductive efforts, loss of trust, and unhappiness at work when there is no clarity on team roles and responsibilities, and personal connection is lost.

There are many frameworks that could help your team communicate the right way. A training with an experienced facilitator or business coach can help you implement a structure that is right for your workplace. As you think about how to approach the subject, be sure that you are covering at least the three following domains:

If one of your goals this year is to improve yourself, congratulations! The best way to make the world better is to start with oneself. If you are new to the journey of self-improvement, most of the advice out there will seem reasonable. Nevertheless, as you learn more, it is imperative to become wise on how to consume this information and, more importantly, how to make it actionable.

I have been reading “self-help” – my preferred term is self-improvement – books for at least twenty years. Although I started reading some of this material early in my professional career, the turning point came when I started looking for resources for the individuals I served as a crisis counselor. My initial interest ranged from spiritual and mindful practices to understanding trauma and mental health. Later because of my nonprofit executive and MBA training, I progressed towards people and organizational management, team building, and leadership. I have read countless organizational and self-development books. I have also watched an infinite number of interviews, Ted Talks, listened to Podcasts, attended seminars, explored many spiritual paths, and even engaged in a costly semi-cult, pyramid scheme style training. Although this learning has benefited my life greatly, my main drive has been my eternal curiosity about human nature, cognitive processes, and the connection between feelings and thinking.

As an avid consumer of the “self-help” genre, I have also been able to spot the methods self-help gurus use to profit from their wisdom. Of course, there is nothing wrong with selling one’s expertise. People who find a better way to do things are entitled to make a living out of their knowledge and talents. However, it is essential to be careful about investing your time and hard-earned money in personal growth.

Whether you follow personalities as intense as Tony Robbins or people who base their work on years of research like Brené Brown, I am here to provide you with some advice on how to consume the self-help products wisely.

1. Be cautious of the quick-step solution.

The quick fix is a strategy that most self-help experts will use to catch your attention “follow the ABC method,” “how to fix a problem with three simple steps,” or “how to reach your goals by focusing on one thing only.” It is tempting to be caught by these headlines because we would prefer someone to give us a recipe with clear instructions to follow as a solution. Nevertheless, personal improvement is a long journey, not something that can be fixed in a three-step program or a seminar.

When you see a headline with this sort of language, remember that this is not the entire solution. The goal is to give you a little taste so then you buy the whole offering later. It is a simple marketing strategy in which you find the customer’s dilemma and tell them how you can help them alleviate the stress this issue causes them. Anyone who has ever taken a marketing class knows this formula. Yet, we fail to recognize it when it is applied to us. Thus, the self-improvement marketing team offers you part of the solution by presenting a partial piece of advice, a guide you can download, or a free webinar. Your later investment might be a book, a workbook or organizer, or a complete weeklong seminar that requires you to use your vacation time, pay a hefty fee, a flight ticket, and a hotel stay. In any instance, you will learn something valuable that can take you a step further in your search for wellbeing. Nevertheless, you must do your homework and understand the full implications of engaging in any personal development program.

2. One person’s idea is not the whole picture.

It is essential to consider there are many paths to find self-improvement. I recently listened to two books by two authors that spoke precisely about the same issue. Their approach was different, but they presented similar information. Nowadays, there is hardly any unique content. Most of the information we consume is recycled, repackaged, and redesigned. Some authors develop original content based on their research or their unique viewpoint. But even these authors may recycle their knowledge because this is how the publishing industry works. When someone signs a three-book deal, and deadlines are pressuring, they can only bring so much originality. Therefore, you can expect lots of repeated information. Before getting yourself hooked up in one specific practice, a good approach is to continue investigating what else is out there. You will very likely find better, cheaper, or even free material to continue your exploration without hurting your budget.

3. Changing words to mean something else.

How we name things helps us correlate ideas to feelings and feelings to ideas. It is not uncommon for the self-help expert to name things differently from the rest of society. This is something not everyone readily accepts because it makes those who do not understand that language feel like an outsider, and those who have learned it, members of an exclusive élite. For example, higher-end products not only sell their “better than average” merchandise but also, by using select language to brand it, sell the feeling that you are part of a privileged group of individuals. If you’ve ever ordered a “medium” instead of a “grande” at Starbucks, you understand being an outsider of this group. There is no need to reinvent the wheel when it comes to ideas. Language already possesses plenty of choices that allow everyone to understand a concept. When I write my articles, my goal is to translate ideas that might seem very complicated to language anyone can understand and relate to. If you are looking for personal transformation, be sure that the language being used does not separate you from the rest of society. Those who feel left out will be less likely to want to hear about your newly learned insights.

4. Paralysis by over-analysis.

It is also very common to get stuck in the ideas but never actually make the changes we desire. It is difficult to break old habits. When you engage in self-development, try to implement one small transformation at a time. Trying to change all you are can be overwhelming and take you down a road of disappointment and self-flagellation. Start small. As I said before, the road to self-improvement can be long but rewarding when years later, you realize those improvements have made your life better.

5. Not everyone that is giving you advice is qualified to do so.

In the last decade, the coaching profession has grown exponentially. Coaches are becoming the next big thing with the pandemic and the problematic access to mental health. Nevertheless, not everyone who says they are a coach has certifiable coaching training. Many unscrupulous self-help gurus offer short training that does not prepare regular individuals with the knowledge, skills, and practice they need to perform this profession. Furthermore, the industry is not regulated enough to demand established credentials to practice as a coach. Some people are naturally gifted in this area. Still, it is essential to understand that when working with people at that level, individuals are walking a fine line between empowering their clients and hitting cords that might surface traumas and deep-rooted heartaches. It can be dangerous for a person without mental health training to even attempt to help in that area, and certified coaches know so. Also, coaching has become a catchword that is being used for practices that are far from it. When searching for self-improvement, be sure to work with individuals whose background and experience are credible. More importantly, work with someone who is a good match for you, can relate to your experience, and keep their ego in check.   

One last piece of advice. When I started applying some of the self-help material I was learning, the most challenging part was to get in touch with my feelings. I needed professional help for that. In our highly intellectualized society, thinking is favored over feeling. We learn to rationalize why we do things. Unless you are willing to search deeper within yourself to find what motivates you and what stops you from acting, the changes you make will probably be challenging to maintain. Be courageous, release yourself from unrealistic expectations, and do not forget to enjoy the journey.

As the end of the year approaches, we tend to evaluate our accomplishments and reflect on the projects that we put on the side. For Mother Nature, there is not much difference between December 31st and January 1st. For us, however, the date change means end-of-year reports, budgets, company profit estimations, taxes, and deadlines. This mindset of closing chapters and opening new ones naturally makes us inclined to re-evaluate and re-set our personal goals.

Most of us have probably felt that the last two years have been a succession of months in which the focus was getting through the day or managing the crisis at hand. This narrative was especially true for people dedicated to responding to the needs of the community. Healthcare providers, community and essential workers, and leaders in charge of making significant decisions like distributing funds and vaccine mandates had to embrace uncertainty. Also, the job market changes stretched our resources because individuals reshuffled their work and personal life priorities. There has been loss and grieving. The shift in socialization and connection with others, as we knew it, contributed to this experience. Sudden cancellations of small and big plans, lack of resources, and limitations on mobility made us feel like we had no autonomy. As a result, the decline in mental health became one of the significant indicators of our times.

Although these circumstances can be overwhelming, it is crucial to consider that there is always the option to choose how to progress towards our goals. 

Holocaust survivor and psychologist Dr. Victor Frankl famously wrote “Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.” His insight is precious, but it takes a good share of resiliency to recognize when the opportunity to shift perspectives appears. Preparing for the unexpected when thinking about the future is perhaps the best we can do to continue our journeys with hope.

There are many techniques to setting goals. For example, we can think of them by considering our long-term objectives and subdividing them into smaller steps that will help us get there. This subdivision will take away those big dreams’ overwhelming feelings and provide us with small victories along the way. The SMART goal setting method (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound) make our goals precise and attainable. There are objectives and key results, goal framing, habit builders, etc.

Nevertheless, our traditional ways of setting goals hardly prepare us for the unexpected. Seeing your objectives through lenses that help us define success more flexibly can be a significant step. Here are a few approaches that can help you:

1. Understand the real motivation behind the goal you are setting. Many of us set up goals following a need to prove ourselves to others. A plan set with the wrong foundation will ultimately be unsuccessful because the energy invested is associated with negative feelings about us or the world. For example, pursuing fitness to obtain a body to fit the current cultural standards will rarely make us feel that any results are good enough because this desire is not driven by self-acceptance. If, on the other hand, we love ourselves as we are, but want to obtain more energy or a healthier lifestyle, the experience of physical exercise will be more rewarding. As a result, the motivation will last longer.
2. Accept change. Embracing uncertainty can be challenging because our human nature demands stability and predictability. Disliking change is the norm, but fighting it makes our lives very difficult. Since change is an inevitable part of life, living with a more flexible mentality can save us a lot of self-inflicted suffering. Likewise, accepting that our plans might change will allow us to think of alternative options and other possible outcomes.
3. Set realistic goals for yourself.  Stretching yourself thin when your goals are too big can set you up for disappointment. There is much advice telling us to reach higher and dream big. Yes, believing that we can accomplish more is always a good motivation, but we must be careful not to let this belief become a deterrent to our inspiration. Asking yourself the following three questions can be helpful when setting a realistic goal: What is my ideal outcome? What is the minimum I could accomplish? What is a satisfactory result for me? Your acceptable result is the right “for you” goal. It should give you satisfaction, even if you cannot reach the ideal dream.
4. Evaluate your resources and support system. Our western culture glorifies the idea of the lone rangers. These heroes can take down a big army or dismantle an unjust system all by themselves, but in real life, that rarely happens. Every person needs a support system to attain success. We all need a hand, someone who cheers us and can candidly tell us when we are putting too much pressure on ourselves. Surround yourself with those who can support your dreams, keep you honest and think about what resources you need to get where you want to be. If there is no one that you can think of in your life now, professionally certified life coaches have special training to help you identify resources and support systems.
5. Think, what could keep me from completing this goal? There is always the possibility that obstacles will show up on your journey. You might want to go back to school, but your finances might be tight. You might want to grow your family, but your health might act up. You might want to travel the world, but international restrictions and regulations might not be in your favor. Considering these factors could help you avoid disappointment and think of a “plan B” for when things do not work out exactly as you planned. 
6. When things change, think what is the worst that can happen? This question has been one of the most valuable tools taught to me over the years. When things are not working out, think: what is the worst that can happen? And when you have an answer, think again what is the worst that can happen? Continue to do so until your thoughts are so catastrophic that you realize the absurdity of your worries. Spoiler alert, 98% of the time, the final worst that can happen will be “and no one will love me,” which ultimately points out our biggest desire and motivation in life, a need to belong and be loved.

So now that the world has changed on us, as we continue to long for things to go back the way they used to be, how do we plan from here? I think that keeping an open approach and a flexible destination can go a long way. Perhaps when you look back you will realize how much you advanced. Even if the result is not exactly as you imagined, enjoy the journey, you will always end up where you were meant to be.

To make sense of our existence, we perceive time as a series of moments happening in a forward-moving sequential mode. Doctor Albert Einstein argued that “the distinction between the past, the present, and the future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” Nevertheless, because most of us are not brilliant physicists, we conceptualize our lives in the context of memories, the moment we are living in, and thoughts of how we believe things are going to develop. Stories of the past and imaginary futures are good survival tools. They help us learn from experience and create plans for what we want to do. These ideas, for good or for ill, also influence our consciousness. Some of our most common civilization’s mental ailments — like anxiety, post-traumatic stress, or obsessive compulsiveness — are partly associated with truths that only live in our heads. When the stories we tell ourselves about the past and the future block our capacity to feel joy in the present, they become something that we must pay attention to.

The effects past experiences have on our psyche are too complex to address in a short article, and frankly, a theme better left to mental health professionals. On the flip side, the present is where we can hold onto our power by creating habits that will help us pursue the future as we want it. One essential tool is effective time optimization, which is different from what many might think.  Hint: it is not about more; it is about less.

The history of time measurement goes back to five thousand years. Different civilizations sought to calculate months and days to organize planting, harvesting, and community activities. The results were calendars based on constellations, lunar cycles, and seasons, which formalized a “planning for the future” way of doing things. Today, it is not unusual to rush through the present while over-focusing on the future. The busiest we are, the more productive we seem to be, which should logically put us closer to our goals. Without noticing, we fall into a cycle where we are constantly living today to build something for tomorrow.

Furthermore, it is almost impossible to be part of modern society without feeling like we need to keep up. Schedules and calendar invitations seem to take control of our lives, and we give up, thinking that we can do nothing. More people are realizing each day that this is not the way they want to live.

In coaching, we embrace ideas such as “follow your dreams” and “live in the moment.” Although they might sound incompatible, they are both crucial beliefs to hold. If we are always living for tomorrow, we miss today’s experiences and fail to connect with the world around us. If we are always living in the moment, we will likely have little say on how things will turn out. Finding harmony is the obvious choice; but is that easy to accomplish? Maybe it is, if you look for clarity and establish some habits to help you find the right balance for you. Here are a few things you can start doing today to practice living in the moment while following your dreams.

1. Schedule less, not more. Scheduling your days can give you good structure. Even if you don’t follow your plans to the dot, it provides a roadmap for using your time effectively. A common error is to squeeze in another “extra thing” because we want to make the most of our time and accomplish more goals. Nevertheless, trying to put too much on your schedule is counterproductive. It will only create more stress and less likeability that you will accomplish anything at all. When trying to reach for the starts, aim to only a few so that you can actually make it there.
2. Decide the three most important things for you to accomplish today and stick to them. Have you ever heard the saying, “if you want something done, ask a busy person?” If you are thinking right now, “hey, I am that busy person!” then you are in trouble. New things to do will always come up. People will always reach out for your help. You cannot fault them; they do not know how much there is on your plate. You are the only one who can put a limit to the number of things to which you say yes. Be vigilant, and do not be distracted by the latest shiny opportunity. Focus on what you have set yourself to do. Imagine how much you could enjoy the present with that newfound “not busy time.”
3. Schedule for down and unproductive time. When scheduling our activities, it is easy to forget to separate time for decompressing and rest or even notes, clean-up, and follow-up. Today, with the easy accessibility of virtual conferences, we tend to program back-to-back meetings without allowing enough time to wrap up or get organized. It is essential to separate uninterrupted time in your calendar to do these. This is especially important if you are overambitious and, perhaps, unrealistic about how much you can accomplish in a period of time. Remember to build time around each activity that will allow you to finish what you started.
4. Accept that life happens, and you cannot do everything. Sometimes you will face the sad reality that everything you planned goes down the drain, and you must improvise. It might be big plans, like family trips or a special celebration, or just the fact that you could not get to your to-do list in a day. Unfortunately, as the pandemic demonstrated, our magnificent plans can change overnight. If you are sick or not having your best day, your body will not find the energy to focus on all those things you set up yourself to do. It is ok. Life happens; give yourself a break. Accept the things you cannot control.
5. Set the right kind of goals for you. Many times, we set unrealistic goals. We put extra pressure, because well, “we can do anything we set our minds to.” Certainly, determination and perseverance play a significant role in accomplishing what you want. Still, as I mentioned above, sometimes there are factors in life, such as unforeseen circumstances or even the resources to which we have access. If you set your goals in a flexible, surprise-proof manner, there are more chances you can accomplish them. As we get closer to the end of the year, you probably will be thinking more about New Year’s resolutions. Look for some good tips on setting the right goals for you in my next article.

Planning for the future allows us not only to reach our personal dreams but also to create together. This makes us unique in the animal kingdom. Certainly, many other living organisms are capable of organizing themselves. Still, as far as we know, no other reaches humans’ abilities for planning. This same advantage has accelerated the way we function and created a system in which many of our actions today are simply a conduit to the idea of our future lives. To make the most of your experiences, work hard at balancing your plans for tomorrow with actually living today.          

About two years ago, a speaker at a training introduced me to the idea that attempting to separate work from life, as in “work-life balance,” was unreasonable. I agree; work is part of life. At a minimum, we spend about a third of our lives working and, if we have healthy habits, a third sleeping. This idea of work-life balance then leaves us with the notion that labor takes away from “life” and makes us judge ourselves when more of our life “time” is consumed by paid work.

Conversely, the saying “if you do what you love, you will not work a day in your life” also sets false expectations. Most jobs are profit and results-driven endeavors. Because of its transactional nature, it is unavoidable to feel apprehension, even when we are passionate about what we do. If you were to, for example, volunteer the same work you do, most of the stress would probably go away because the financial and formal evaluation of your performance would be gone.

Additionally, maintaining good time management habits is even more challenging with the pandemic and remote work becoming the norm. Tending to your children, picking up dry cleaning, and filling your car’s tank is no longer limited to after work hours or weekends. In the same manner, work time spills into your evenings, making it feel like it never stops. 

Unfortunately, since we humans are wired to be social creatures, our jobs’ perceived internal and external pressures feel stressful. This is because the neurons that feed our need for approval and belonging are linked to our pain systems. Setting boundaries is easy — maintaining them is difficult. To beat this instinct, self-regulation and pursuing internal clarity are essential.

Here are a few guidelines you can follow to try to build a routine that allows you for enough play, relax and recharge time without the thought of work following you everywhere you go:

(for an extended description of these guidelines check out my article published in Brainz Magazine.)

1. Try to wake up every day around the same time and set a morning routine that allows your brain to awaken gently.
2. Set a time to start your workday and try to stay away from doing work before then.
3. Separate time for activities that require focus in your calendar and stick to it.
4. Separate two or three blocks of time during the day to respond to emails and resist the urge to look in between those times.
5. To manage external expectations, be sure that you are clear and consistent about your available times for work-related requests.
6. Set guidelines to communicate with your team and with those you are serving.
7. Divide your never-ending to-do list into micro and macro lists.
8. Allow a 15-30 min buffer between meetings to write your notes and get your follow-up started.
9. Decide in advance what time you will end your workday.
10. If you are a manager, show by example. Do not contact your team after work hours or on weekends.

As I mentioned in my previous article on burnout, the pandemic has caused many to reconsider the value of work as we knew it. Industries are suffering the consequences of people understanding that they cannot blindly comply with the demands imposed by our old way of working. I think that eventually, things will settle down, but will we be better off when this happens? I believe that we could be as long as we learn to balance the emotional toll our job has on us, so it does not interfere with rest and recovery time.

With the Great Resignation, many individuals today must manage the pressure of hiring and training the right people while carrying the workload in understaffed organizations. There is a general feeling of exhaustion.  In addition, due to the pandemic, the burnout rates in certain industries have seriously escalated in the last two years.  Yet, burnout and exhaustion look very different. You can work on fatigue by using self-care strategies or taking a nice vacation. Because the sources of burnout are both organizational and personal, identifying and recuperating from it must be a collective effort. The first time I experienced burnout, I left my job feeling defeated and demoralized. Unfortunately, when I stepped into a new role at a new workplace, I was still carrying all that emotional burden with me. It was not long before I was falling into the same pattern, but the symptoms were escalating this time. I experienced trouble breathing, heart palpitations, and a general sense of anxiety that interrupted my daily non-work activities.

Burnout is challenging to detect because, in part, it is subjective to each person’s perception of their ability to manage their job.  As per the ICD 11 definition, “it is characterized by feelings of energy depletion, feelings of negativism or cynicism towards one’s job, and a sense of decreased professional efficacy.” In the long term, the consequences of unattended burnout can lead to results that range from extreme stress, fatigue, irritability, sadness, insomnia, substance overuse, vulnerability to getting sick, and long-term consequences like depression and anxiety. The earliest research on the issue came from the fields of psychology, social services, and healthcare because these job environments tend to be defined by selflessness and prioritizing the needs of others first. Also, because of their missions and the manner they are funded, these industries are characterized by high demands and limited resources. According to the article “Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry” (Maslach & Leiter, 2016), different test models have been developed to measure the burnout experience. As the models have changed, also the understanding of causes for it has broadened. Today, there are six known factors across industries that determine the risk of burnout in an organization: work overload, autonomy, reward, community, fairness, and values. (for an extended description for each of these factors check out my article published in Brainz Magazine.)

Although it is essential for companies to keep a close watch on these six factors, it is important to acknowledge the significance of personal responsibility on well-being. Self-regulation and maintaining consistency on boundaries rests on the individual. For example, a good boundary to have is not to work during vacation. Nevertheless, if I decide to answer emails during a time that should be dedicated to rest, I cannot make others responsible for replying and make it seem that I never get time off.  I have talked to many people who believe they have no choice.  However, the truth is that most of the time there is a choice, but we have a hard time seeing it. The same way technology seems to have tied us to be in communication all the time, there are plenty of tools to help manage external expectations. Nevertheless, there are no apps that will help us change our mindsets and habits. We need to do the internal work so that we feel engaged and satisfied at work.

As I mentioned in the beginning, the second time I suffered burnout, a lot of that was created by feelings and habits that I had carried from my previous job. Fortunately, I was able to work with an excellent cognitive behavioral therapist on setting boundaries and creating habits that helped me maintain a sense of control. I was also able to clarify my personal goals and how they aligned with my job. I have since then found my best role fit within the organization based on my abilities and values. My level of engagement and happiness at work has increased exponentially.

I was recently approached to be nominated to a committee in my town. When I read the email, my first reaction was of excitement, but then I was attacked by my inner voice, doubting if I have enough experience and knowledge to be part of this group. Thanks to many years of self-examination, I recognized a thinking pattern that shows up often, the infamous impostor syndrome.

The impostor syndrome, also called the impostor phenomenon, is defined as the pattern of doubting one’s abilities beyond healthy introspection. It is the belief that the milestones you have or will accomplish are due to some sort of luck or coincidence and not related to your efforts and qualifications. This thinking pattern is often correlated by experts to perfectionism and is mainly associated with women in the workplace. Nevertheless, although it affects women disproportionately, it is also a pattern experienced by men. Because women, are more aware and willing to speak about it, it is easy to overlook that it is harder for men to recognize and admit their insecurities. Men are socialized to think that doubt is a sign of weakness. The causes for it are also far more extensive and convoluted than the need to seek perfection.

It is not unusual for well-grounded people to evaluate their abilities before embarking on new endeavors. Considering whether one’s swimming skills are good enough before registering for surfing lessons is smart. But what happens when individuals repetitively doubt their natural or acquired abilities and skills? It can become a pattern that prevents them from taking on or enjoying life experiences. Often, those self-doubts have their roots in the messages they receive growing up about what their place in the world is. Gender, education level, social status, place of origin, and race play an important role in what we believe we deserve in life. Even our social circles can influence how we think about ourselves and how far we feel we are allowed to go. Comments like “you have changed,” “you are so lucky,” or more extremely, “so you think you are better than us?” are typical examples of what happens when a person rises above the social circles they were born into. It is not unusual to sense from those around us that beyond the well-meant “we are so proud of you” comments, there is the unspoken judgment, which in turn prevents us from speaking openly about our accomplishments. Additionally, and perhaps more importantly, the social biases we all carry tell us that people with certain skin color, a particular way of speaking, or a certain look are less than. Because they do not conform to the image we have of those with the right to have power, people discriminate and commit microaggressions that influence the way they feel about themselves.

It takes a lot of personal courage and battling unrealistic fears to rise above the belief that you do not deserve what you have or what you are about to accomplish. Here are a few steps to start breaking this pattern:

• Pay attention to the mimicking parrot in your head: Observe the negative voice in your mind that is creating this insecurity.  Where does that voice come from? Is this your brain repeating like an talking parrot the voices of others in your past, present, or both? Simply because your brain is telling you something, it does not mean that it is true. Be vigilant and aware of who is speaking in your head.
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• Separate what is true from what is not by looking at your evidence: Maintain a running list of all the accomplishments you have made so far. Not only those that show up in your resume but also your life achievements. Humbleness is an excellent value to hold, but not when it diminishes the extraordinary things you have been able to accomplish. When you doubt yourself, look at your list and see the evidence.
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• Honor your talents: When things come naturally for you, it does not mean that it is easy for everyone. If you are good at art or numbers, do not take these talents for granted. Recognize that you have a special gift, be thankful for it, and congratulate yourself for nurturing the ability that now allows you to experience life in your very own unique way. Proudly say to yourself, “I am really good at this!”
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• See yourself as others see you: Dr. Tasha Eurich an organizational psychologist, and New York Times best-selling author, explains in her book Insight, we only have a limited view of who we are because we tend not to explore how others see us. To gain a complete picture of who we are, it is often a good exercise to talk to those who genuinely support us, but also can give us honest feedback. If someone is offering you a professional opportunity or is asking you for your opinion, chances are that they see in you the potential and expertise for which they are looking.
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• Motivate yourself: Look for inspirational stories on those people who made the jump, even when others thought their ideas were going to take them nowhere. Those inspiring people are only humans, just like you, and they probably carried insecurities and doubts but rose above their fears and continued pursuing their dreams.

At the time I write this article, I still do not know if I will make it to the committee I mentioned in the beginning. Nevertheless, I am confident that if I am selected, I have a wealth of knowledge that I have acquired over the years that will make me an exceptional contributor to the group. How about you? What can you accomplish? Which one of all your remarkable talents will you offer to the world today?

I consider effective communication to be one of the most challenging human experiences. Although verbal and non-verbal expressions differ between gender, culture, and generations, there is another even more critical factor that regulates how we communicate, and that is our unique perception of how things are. For this article, we will define perception as a personal belief or opinion based on how things seem. The keyword here is “personal,” which derives from persona or person, “an individual, a human being.”  In modern western societies, individualism and uniqueness are usually celebrated. We teach children that no one is like them. We even promote uniqueness as a superpower in an attempt to encourage self-acceptance and self-appreciation. The missing piece in this partial elevation of individualism is to foster some understanding that, as individuals, we perceive reality differently. This shortsightedness leads us to wrongly assume that everyone interprets, hears, and communicates thoughts the same we do. Although there is evidence that as humans we experience emotions and react to situations similarly, it is specifically our individuality that makes effective communication challenging.

Verbal communication is an intellectual and emotional experience because the ideas expressed through our voices are connected to our feelings. In coaching, we learn that the most crucial part is listening. I agree. Attentively hearing what the other person says keeps me from thinking that I always must be ready with an answer and, more importantly, keeps me from taking what I hear to a personal level. Occasionally what I hear might clash with my values; the things that I genuinely believe to be right. As a coach, I must be aware and listen with no judgment even when emotions are subconsciously disturbed. Unfortunately, in regular life, we are not trained to do this. How much do you think our communication would improve. if we were trained to consider beliefs, experiences, perception, and energy in any interaction?

To further dissect this question, let us look at where beliefs come from. It is important to appreciate that our set of personal beliefs are a collection of ideas that have been passed to us through family, culture, religion, school, government, media, books, and all the infinite ways we receive information on how the world functions. Along the way, we create our own beliefs. If we reach a good level of introspection, we get rid of ideas that do not serve us well. These beliefs dictate how we think things are or should be for everyone, influencing how we judge others. Likewise, our experiences shape the way we see life. A person who has had loving and healthy relationships will see life differently from a person exposed to repeated abuse and tragedies. Because most people fall within a combination of different circumstances, each person’s perception of an idea is subjective. Another important aspect of communication is the energy level a person has during the interaction. Someone stressed communicates very differently to someone who is feeling calm. I think this point is self-explanatory; but I will dare to say that most of the time, we are not attentive to what kind of energy we are showing up with.

To easily remember these ideas, you can think about them as:

• What I say comes with my beliefs, my past experiences, my subjective perception, and my current energy level.
• What I hear, I interpret based on my beliefs, my past experiences, my subjective perception, and my current energy level.

If you replace all the “my” with “they” you will get a complete picture of the communication challenge.

As a child, I am not sure why, I used to watch a lot of biblical movies produced in the sixties. I remember being quite impacted by the Tower of Babel story in the movie The Bible… In the Beginning. The Tower of Babel describes a king building a tall tower to reach God, but God punished the king’s arrogance by separating humans and having them speak in different tongues so they could not understand each other.