On Effective Communication

I consider effective communication to be one of the most challenging human experiences. Although verbal and non-verbal expressions differ between gender, culture, and generations, there is another even more critical factor that regulates how we communicate, and that is our unique perception of how things are. For this article, we will define perception as a personal belief or opinion based on how things seem. The keyword here is “personal,” which derives from persona or person, “an individual, a human being.”  In modern western societies, individualism and uniqueness are usually celebrated. We teach children that no one is like them. We even promote uniqueness as a superpower in an attempt to encourage self-acceptance and self-appreciation. The missing piece in this partial elevation of individualism is to foster some understanding that, as individuals, we perceive reality differently. This shortsightedness leads us to wrongly assume that everyone interprets, hears, and communicates thoughts the same we do. Although there is evidence that as humans we experience emotions and react to situations similarly, it is specifically our individuality that makes effective communication challenging.

Verbal communication is an intellectual and emotional experience because the ideas expressed through our voices are connected to our feelings. In coaching, we learn that the most crucial part is listening. I agree. Attentively hearing what the other person says keeps me from thinking that I always must be ready with an answer and, more importantly, keeps me from taking what I hear to a personal level. Occasionally what I hear might clash with my values; the things that I genuinely believe to be right. As a coach, I must be aware and listen with no judgment even when emotions are subconsciously disturbed. Unfortunately, in regular life, we are not trained to do this. How much do you think our communication would improve. if we were trained to consider beliefs, experiences, perception, and energy in any interaction?

To further dissect this question, let us look at where beliefs come from. It is important to appreciate that our set of personal beliefs are a collection of ideas that have been passed to us through family, culture, religion, school, government, media, books, and all the infinite ways we receive information on how the world functions. Along the way, we create our own beliefs. If we reach a good level of introspection, we get rid of ideas that do not serve us well. These beliefs dictate how we think things are or should be for everyone, influencing how we judge others. Likewise, our experiences shape the way we see life. A person who has had loving and healthy relationships will see life differently from a person exposed to repeated abuse and tragedies. Because most people fall within a combination of different circumstances, each person’s perception of an idea is subjective. Another important aspect of communication is the energy level a person has during the interaction. Someone stressed communicates very differently to someone who is feeling calm. I think this point is self-explanatory; but I will dare to say that most of the time, we are not attentive to what kind of energy we are showing up with.

To easily remember these ideas, you can think about them as:

• What I say comes with my beliefs, my past experiences, my subjective perception, and my current energy level.
• What I hear, I interpret based on my beliefs, my past experiences, my subjective perception, and my current energy level.

If you replace all the “my” with “they” you will get a complete picture of the communication challenge.

As a child, I am not sure why, I used to watch a lot of biblical movies produced in the sixties. I remember being quite impacted by the Tower of Babel story in the movie The Bible… In the Beginning. The Tower of Babel describes a king building a tall tower to reach God, but God punished the king’s arrogance by separating humans and having them speak in different tongues so they could not understand each other.